I choose to love

I chose to love.

Have you ever experienced talking about a person insistently to anybody who would listen (even reluctantly)? Write about that person? Make some decisions in consideration of that person? Well, I did. But I did not do those things for love. I did them for hate.

Hate is a big word. I wouldn’t say I understand hate before I lived through it. I knew that hate pushed those people in the movies to do evil things against the lead characters. But I couldn’t imagine it before, couldn’t really make sense how that emotion could lead to such unimaginable evil deeds.

But when that happened… Well it did not just happened. It gradually consumed me. Ate away my soul little by little for over 2 years. Until what’s left of me frightened me. That was the time I understood the emotions that those villains had. It scared me that I am capable of feeling such dark emotion.

I spent over 2 years of my life alternately feeling angry, disappointed, guilty, and ashamed. It’s very tiring and I told myself to just forgive and let it go. But my heart couldn’t give what it did not have. I’ve been to many confessions, poured my heart out to the priest, to my mother and to my poor journal hoping that all the hate could eventually go away completely.

But it did not help. Hate, just like love, is too complex and huge and overwhelming that words could not confine nor contain it.

They said that at the core of forgiveness is love. And so I go back to that one person who is love Himself. That one person who could understand my situation but unlike me, chooses to love. I prayed fervently for God to give me that grace, for him to show me how to love the way He loves me.

I know I couldn’t change that person. I don’t have that control. I can only control myself, I can only change myself. So I immersed myself to the love that’s available around me, filled my heart with it so it could fuel my healing. That in time I could forgive myself for feeling the way I feel, and then eventually offer that person the same forgiveness. I allowed myself to heal bit by bit until that 2-years worth of pain and hurt are washed away. I was able to do it by the grace of the Lord. Because by His example of a love that forgives, I was able to look past my hurts and see that because of that experience, I was able to grow personally and spiritually. And that is something to be thankful for.

Up to this day, it is always my prayer that God will fill me with love, that He will bless my mind with the memories of his love and all its manifestations so that in whatever situation I face, I could always respond with love.

There is already too much hate in this world, let us not allow ourselves to be one of those who contribute to that. Let us instead choose to love.

There is already too much hate in this world, let us not allow ourselves to be one of those who contribute to that. Let us instead choose to love.

Love like Jesus loves his Father. So let us love God above all things. Love like Jesus loves his mother. So let us love our family. Love like Jesus loves his disciples. So let us love our friends, workmates, and colleagues.

But let us not stop at that for it is easy to love those who love us. Let us love like Jesus loves the sinners, the tax collectors, the outcast… So let us love our enemies by offering forgiveness to those who hurt us or caused us pain. Let us love our less fortunate brothers and sisters by offering alms. There’s really so much we can do to show our love.

In this world that is so full of hate, let us choose to love. And let us love like Jesus.